birth

27 January: This labor will be a great, challenging transformation.  Experiences from life will be called upon as guiding tools down this path that eventually welcomes new life into the outer world.  Upon arriving, expect nothing.  Simply be present, allowing nature to move this being along that road which leads to daylight, or perhaps the starry sky.  Yoga practice has prepared this body, mentally and physically, to accept and breathe into what it was made to do. The body is hard at work, and this is nothing to fear.  There is nothing physically wrong.  Ride the waves of the contractions, brought on by the sea.  The moon, the tides, these contractions, are all connected.  Each contraction is the entire world, hugging and welcoming that new life.  Ride the contractions like you are the ocean.  

The body is opening like a ripe, tropical flower.  Little by little, deeper and deeper, the body is opening to hugeness.  As the universe continues to expand, the openings will naturally and effortlessly become vast.  The new little being will move, ever so slowly, down through the canal, as it is ready.  

Think of all the other women, around the world, going through this very same, natural experience.  Waves of joy and celebration are circulating around the world.  Feel the feminine vibrations moving through the rocky, earthy soil, flying across the breezy skies, floating with each wave across oceans and seas, filling each bit of space, and permeating every cell of the laboring body. It all leads to love, one of the greatest loves known, from this love and union of woman and man.... ...

In the middle of the night, the river flowed.  5:45 a.m:  a sensation in my lower back, subsiding in less than a minute.  Suzanne, the midwife on duty at the birthing center, suggested I get to the office when they opened for an exam.  Today would be the day. 

I had just enough time to comfortably practice a full, gentle, opening session of yoga as the sun was subtly bringing color to our world.  This day would be another special blessing and, through my practice, I expressed gratitude. 

I experienced more sensations in the lower back as I enjoyed breakfast of grapefruit & honey followed by French toast.  I called my birthing partner, older sister Linda, to let her know it would likely be today. It was a gorgeous morning.  Outside, I gathered clothes from the line as the contractions continued. With time to kill before calling the office, I attempted to finish watching a sweet Indian love story film, My Name is Khan.  To no avail, as the sensations were coming too strongly and more frequently now.  I couldn’t distract myself.  The bags were packed; Mom & I loaded the car.  The OB/GYN office could take us whenever we got there, and Linda was on her way to the house to follow.  The ride would be almost an hour, and I couldn’t wait to leave.  Linda would have to catch up.

The past nine months had been awesome.  There was minimal discomfort during the pregnancy.  Only about a month of morning sickness, which was usually relieved by a fresh air walk.  No swollen ankles, heartburn, or back pain.  Comfortable sleep.  I was able to continue working in the public schools.  My priority was to eat well and work out regularly.  I joined a gym for access to the pool, and went almost every day to either swim or do weights & cardio.  I can’t imagine how I would have felt without exercising, eating well, and practicing yoga and meditation.  I hear so many women complain about the negative symptoms of pregnancy and wonder how many of those women take an active role in maintaining their complete health.  I think I know the answer.  The community at the gym and meditation sessions continuously gave me positive energy.  Carrying Fishy was an absolute pleasure and mostly, I felt beautiful.  [Her in utero movements earned her the name, Fishy, and she often had the hiccups]. 

After the longest ride ever, there we were, arriving at the office adjacent to the birth center.  The contractions were regular and intense.  No amount of reading or chats could’ve made me know what was to come over the next few hours.  I approached birth trusting that this body was perfectly designed for it, also knowing that the greatest challenge would be the taming of my mind during moments of discomfort.  I was confident that my life experiences would enable me to draw out the strength required to enjoy a natural childbirth will full awareness and no pain killers.    

The doctor confirmed I was in labor, about 2 centimeters dilated.  Over to the birth center, we checked in and settled into the room.  A monitor recorded contractions for about twenty minutes.  It was amazing how sensations changed throughout the day.  At first it was back labor, then I felt it exclusively in the uterus.  After a while, I felt contractions move through my midsection- from my back, all the way around to the center of my belly.  A nurse offered me a birthing ball (one of those huge exercise balls), which I found extremely comfortable to sit on.  Outside it was a gorgeous, mild spring day, so I decided to try laboring on the front porch.  The fresh air and sunshine were lovely.  At one point, I leaned and stretched against a huge tree.  As the intensity increased, I returned with Mom & Linda to the privacy of the room.  Nadhem called periodically, but I was too focused to be able to be on video call via skype. 

I recall feeling nauseated and couldn’t eat the lunch.  Linda kept me well hydrated.  I had compiled several playlists, but the reggae music faded into the background, along with everything else that was happening around me.  I was aware only of the physical sensations and changes, trying to calm my mind, and remind my body to be more open. 

A nurse told me to inform her when I began to feel different, but it was hard for me to draw that line.  Different than what?  The energy flowing within me was taking me on an incredible journey.  Increasingly, I felt the urge to poo... to no avail.  Linda finally pointed out a “different grimace” on my face, so they checked my cervix again.  Last check had been four centimeters, this time it was nine centimeters dilated.  I remember the excitement of knowing that Fishy’s arrival time was almost here.  

I thought the birthing tub may be more comfortable, and I believe a nurse went next door to fill it up. After having sat through more contractions on the birthing ball, leaning on the bed, eyes closed and trying to focus on breathing, suddenly I was in a full squat on the floor.  I don’t recall that transition but I remember the great support of the women in the room.  Nurse Fiona encouraged me to keep my shoulders loose, occasionally rubbing my back.  Midwife Suzanne gave me the powerful reminder that there’s nothing to fear.  Now and then I had to adjust my position so Fishy’s heart rate could be monitored after bearing down.  The intensity of labor melted away the time.  I was fully present, yet unaware of how long I had been in that full squat by the time Fishy was crowning.  Suzanne told me to feel my baby’s head, but I wasn’t ready to.  Eventually I did, and it was amazing to touch that tuft of hair!  My legs began shaking and it was suggested I move to the bed.  On my hands and knees, I remember asking someone to remove my camisole.  Nudity felt wonderful.  I was still wearing the gorgeous pregnant belly bust necklace given to me by Sierra. 

As a sanitary catch sheet was placed on the bed beneath me, I realized this was it.  There hadn’t been time to move into the tub, and it didn’t matter.  I was in an altered state, and Fishy was coming.  Suzanne helped greatly with my breathing and vocalizations.  Deeper and louder and bearing down... breathing and moving that prana down and out and bearing down and deep, deeper grunts and prana flowing down and thinking to be open... and out comes the head!  Bearing down once more and the baby is born, reaching down to grab and hold the helpless little naked baby – girl!  The tiny, cute little baby! One moment as Fishy – the next, a little breathing baby girl! (14 March 2012 / 16:53 / 7.5 lbs)

And there we were:  covered in blood, noticing only the love that enveloped us. 

On the bed we leaned back in the safe, comfort of that grip of pure love and ecstasy.  The naked little baby on my bare chest, warm skin on skin.  A daughter.  Out the window, the sun was shining, the day winding down.  A day’s work done... with the greatest reward.  Suzanne was by my side, directing me to push out the placenta.  Was there really something else to push out?  Yes, and aaaaaaah!  Greater than I expected, another nice relief.  I felt the subtle pulsation of the cord, which Linda eventually snipped. 

The exclusive, private, two-as-one knowledge of Fishy was over.  The joys of pregnancy had ended.  A blessed, gorgeous life in the outer world had begun.  And oh, she was most welcome.  Baby was bathed and returned to my chest.  The nurses cleaned blood from my limbs as I lay in bed.  Bobbing and searching, she found my breast and began to suckle.

As evening settled in, I was bedridden and in love.  The birth literally tore me apart, and a doctor was called in to sew up the second-degree tear.  That procedure was more painful than the birth.  Additionally, I had pulled a muscle in my side body and could barely move, let alone reach over and pick up the baby from her crib.  Thankfully, Linda stayed with me that night.  Whenever the baby (remaining unnamed until the following day) needed to eat, Linda handed her to me.  This was the beginning of our new life.  Looking down and seeing a little human being getting nourishment from my body was (and still is) a surreal sight to my eyes. Each subsequent moment with this little human filled me with gratitude and a new, fresh meaning of life.  Was I just now beginning to understand this miracle of life?  This new magic was making the wonder of life that much more mysterious. 

During yoga training at the ashram, one of our teachers, Guruji, often suggested meditating on the open sky or the sea.  They are infinite.  There is no other way I could describe the depth of emotion and love that pull me towards this new little human.  This love, this rush, this connection tears my heart open... wider than the sky.